No Longer Daddy's Little Girl

Then, I grew up and things changed. I was no longer “Daddy’s Little Girl” and had more disagreements with him than real conversations. I got pregnant out of wedlock (outside of marriage) and he never looked at me the same again. I lost the acceptance of the most important man in my life.

At the time, I didn’t understand the impact that had on my life. Looking back, though, it affected every relationship I had with men from that point on. I began seeking the love and affection I had lost in all the wrong places.

I was sexually active in ways I would be embarrassed to talk about. I didn’t know that I deserved respect in that way and was intimate with men, even when I didn’t want to be, believing that was what I needed to do for them to love me.

To Love is To Respect

By the time I met someone that introduced me to a reciprocated unselfish love, I was afraid to say “No.” Unfortunately, that relationship wasn’t meant to last and I had to let him go.

The next time someone showed an interest in me, I was terrified. Would he still want to be with me if I wasn’t willing to have sex? He wasn’t, and I was devastated, but I found a strength I didn’t know I had. I stood up for myself for the first time, demanding that my body be respected as mine. “I” was the one that decided when I would be intimate and with who I chose to be intimate with (at least most of the time).

I met my first husband in an unconventional way, in a cell phone chat room. (Do they even have those anymore?) We hit it off almost immediately and spent hours on the phone together. Our first face to face meeting was extremely awkward (a story for another day) but we chose to make the best of it and were together for 7.5 years before cancer took him.

During that relationship, I learned about the 5 Love Languages and what I needed as an individual to feel loved. I also learned how hard it was to give your partner love in the way they needed when your needs are very different (a topic for a later post).

Not So Perfect Relationship

When I first met my ex-husband, I thought I had found my life partner, someone who shared my faith and family values. I didn't know how wrong I was. 

Everything was great at first. At least, I thought it was. Looking back I can see several red flags I chose to ignore. I was so caught up in the positive attention and affection he was giving me, that I couldn't see or refused to acknowledge his controlling and manipulative personality.

During our marriage, we experienced 3 pregnancies, 1 miscarriage, a cholic baby, sepsis (blood poisoning due to infection), pornography, unemployment, eviction, psychological, financial, and verbal abuse, and I would be chastised over the type of music I would listen to or church I attended. 

Little by little, I walked away from my faith in an effort to gain his love and acceptance. The further I walked away from God, the deeper I fell into depression and hopelessness. 

Finding Hope

At one point, I had given up. As hard as this is to say, my kids were not enough for me to want to keep fighting to live if “this” is what life was all about.

I cried out to God trying to find a sliver of hope to hang onto. Growing up in a Christian home, I was told He was always there for you. Boy, did I need

Him in that moment! I’ll tell more of that story in a later post, but I want you to know He WAS there for me in exactly the way I needed Him when I needed Him the most.

I chose to rededicate my life to God instead of taking it that day and started digging into the Bible to find out who God was for myself.

The Jesus I Never Knew

In my searching, I found a God who loves me unconditionally, regardless of my mistakes or my past. I found a God that TRULY understands my pain, because Jesus went through it himself. In Matthew 26:38, Jesus says, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.” (NIV) He gets it!!

He was abandoned by everyone that would have been considered his closest friends, and betrayed by one of them. Even his Father turned away from him, unable to look at him on the cross. He was truly alone during the most difficult time he’s ever experienced.

I was never taught about “that” Jesus, the one who went through hell on earth and struggled to keep going. I never knew the Jesus that needed an angel to minister to him before he was able to complete the task that God sent him to do.

Luke 22:43–44 says, “An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.” (NIV)

Unconditional Love

I found a God that loved me long before I was born. Ephesians 1:4–5 says, “Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ” (NLT).

I found a God that loved me so much that He was willing to give His only son as a sacrifice for me….for you. A found a friend in Jesus, who loves me so deeply that he was willing to suffer and experience the pain I felt. He “chose” this so He can not only offer us eternal life with Him, but also to be an effective mediator for us, someone to stand in our defense.



I found the love and acceptance in Jesus that I was looking for throughout my life. This isn’t to say that I don’t want to have a relationship with someone to share this life with. I say this because I don’t “need” that relationship to know I am loved, respected, cherished, honored, forgiven.

I was broken and without hope. When I acknowledged that brokenness and the need for Christ in my life, I surrendered everything to Him . I now have a freedom and joy that I have never known before.

Not Just for Me

You can find that love and hope too! Acknowledge your need for a Savior, ask for His forgiveness and commit to follow Him. Find out who God really is by reading the Bible. I recommend Hebrews, Ephesians, Romans, and the four Gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John as a starting point, but don’t stop there!!

If you’re not sure how to ask God to come into your life, you can say the prayer below. He doesn’t look for us to have it all together or for perfection. He looks for sincerity and the condition of our heart.

“God, I acknowledge my need for a Savior. Thank you for your son Jesus and the sacrifice He made for me on the cross. I ask you to forgive my sins and accept me into your family. Come into my life and lead me. Help me to serve you and follow the path you have set for me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

If you prayed the prayer above, I’d love to hear from you! I’m still walking out my journey in Christ, but would love to be an encouragement to you along the way!!